This Is Why Introverts (INFJs) Remove People from Their Lives with the “Door Slam.”

This Is Why Introverts (INFJs) Remove People from Their Lives with the “Door Slam.”

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@Ane Krstevska
INFJs

There are a lot of people who may read this article without having a clue what actually an INFJ is, let alone an INFJ “door slam.”

However, INFJs, as well as those who have been involved in relationships with them, will understand what this is.

INFJ is a personality type which is characterized by the Myers Briggs Personality archetypes. They are believed to make up approximately 1% of the population. The initials actually stand for the following: introverted, intuitive, feeling and judgment.

Out of all the traits of INFJ, the “door slam” may be the most infamous one. The reason for this is not because of the actual hypothetical door slamming. But this is because of what actually takes place up until the firmly shut.

INFJs often give it all. So if they are abused relentlessly, they will sever all ties. This can include things like blocking telephone numbers, social media links, in extreme cases. As well as moving or even not giving a forwarding address.

INFJs are tolerant creatures. They are renowned for allowing others to treat them in a bad way.

INFJs are compassionate, empathetic, forgiving souls. They also try to give people the benefit of the doubt. These folks offer a second chance with the hopes that the person will change one day.

Some of them also hope that the slamming of the door will actually make the other person realize what they have lost. They do not enjoy drama or leaving on a negative note. So in a lot of ways, the door slam can actually be a final chance for the other person to jolted to action. Even when the relationship cannot be saved, at least there would be no lingering hard feelings.

They also want the other person to get the message. So they will not try to walk back through the door, thinking that it is everything okay.

INFJs grieve and mourn the loss before they actually lose the connection with that person.

This makes it easier for them to accept that the relationship was often based on illusion. What they thought they had actually did not exist.

These people are introverts — it means that they internally process much of what goes on around them. Because of this, they do not feel emotionally safe with a particular person. Also, they may not openly express what they think or feel.

INFJs usually give out numerous warning before the door slam. They let whoever is involved to know that they do not find their behavior acceptable. The usual occurrence of door slams is when INFJ distance themselves after being hurt repeatedly. Most of the time, when they don’t feel that the other person is willing to make any effort to change its personality.

When an INFJ is done trying, they feel more liberated and lighter.

They also swiftly move forward. Also, they may remove all the different reminders from their past.

They are not the types of people who make demands and tell others how they want to be treated. Especially when they are in a romantic relationship. They have hopes that if someone cares deeply for them, their actions, as well as words will reflect that.

Because they are highly intuitive and read situations in a good way, they may sometimes forget that not every person has such abilities. They are compassionate, communicate as much open as possible, as well as explain why they feel the way that they do before they opt out.

Their door slam serves as a self-protection mechanism. INFJs can even try to discern whether they devote too much time and energy to those people that do not hold the relationship in the same high regard.

Although the door slam also sounds severe, these people are usually forgivers.

They may allow the person that they have slammed the door to get back in their life in the future. But the reason for this is only if they feel that the behaviors have changed. They are not going to fall back into the same dynamics which is unhealthy.

Sometimes, the door slam will just happen in their mind and heart, and they will continue remaining in contact with the “door slam” person. However, by this point, a significant change in the relationship can happen. They will no longer be investing the same time, as well as attention and energy in the relationship. The contact will be limited to a functional communication.

Moreover, it is rare for these people to entirely trust someone that they have once have given the “door slam.” It is likely that the relationship will never be the same as it was once.

Those people who are in a dynamic with INFJs can actually work out how serious the door slam is by observing whether the slam was done in haste and fury, or calmly and rationally.

These people are far more likely to slam a door very quickly, and for good, when a person is hurt by a person that they love, as well as care about. The saddest thing is that they may allow themselves to be abused all the time continuously, but they will not tolerate abuse that is of any kind when it is directed at someone else. [Inspired by Elephant Journal]

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5 Comments

  1. Wow, this was deep. It described me to the T. Everything that you said is exactly me. And I’m always misunderstood.

  2. I am an INFP and this describes me very well.

  3. This explains me exactly. I have door slammed a couple of people, and currently going through some issues with my husband. Thanks for the article.

  4. Wow… So true and well describes a very recent “door slam.” This is not my go-to move, in fact it’s usually the last resort, but when my hand is forced and I’ve exhausted all patience, it is a must. Good to read details that so accurately explain my personality and behavior.

  5. I’ve tested INFJ since high school and I’m now in my 30s…your article makes a lot of sense to me. For instance, I’ve never been one to stay friends with my ex’s–when I’m done with a person, I’m done (otherwise, I would have stayed in the relationship.) I’ve had 2 very close friends over the course of my life who, for one reason or another, continually took advantage of me. I knew with both of these people that they were a little toxic and probably weren’t the most reliable, but I tried to be a supportive friend anyway. In an attempt to be non-judgmental and “all accepting,” I found myself in situations that constantly challenged my values, my sense of well-being, my tolerance for stupid drama, and in the end, my need for basic compassion and respect. Both of these people I considered “best friends,” but I hit the point with both where I literally said “We’re done here.” For one, it was when she decided to sue my insurance agency over a car accident–the lawsuit dragged out for years and I finally just couldn’t stomach to look at her anymore. (As an INFJ, seeing her lie and chase after a frivolous lawsuit went against my strong “idealistic” values and moral code.) I got home one night and literally deleted her off my phone and Facebook–door slam–it was done. The second friend was a much slower, more painful decline…she got involved with some people who were doing drugs. I worried about her a lot, and when she was looking for a new place to live, I gave her a room for very cheap rent in my house. I wanted to give her the chance to get her feet under her, make some new friends, and do something productive with her life. Only to discover that she was a complete slob, left her dishes and clothes all over the house, let her boyfriend stay over all day long when she wasn’t home (I worked from home at the time so this was very disruptive), had friends over at all hours, etc. Then she fell right back into doing drugs. We had a few roomie talks, when I brought up my issues expecting to then discuss and negotiate the problem, except she wouldn’t negotiate. Instead she would take it personally and give me a silent treatment for several days. Finally, I was done. I couldn’t take the teen-angst-drama-chaos anymore (she was 27). Her mom lived down the street from me, so one day I approached her and told her she needed to move out. Door slam. Done.

    Let me note–at any point in time, if these individuals had a) admitted they were being shitty friends, b) made an attempt to apologize and reach a happy medium, c) acknowledged how I was helping them or supporting them, things would have been different. To this day, if these people reached out with kindness, compassion and a desire to turn over a new leaf, I would forgive them and be friends again. Something I don’t agree with the INFJ archetype…is the protective barrier we put up against people who’ve betrayed us…it’s not a permanent barrier. In fact, once the issue has been reconciled, I very quickly forgive and forget and move on. I love people and I am eager to see my friends because I LOVE them! I am all about forgiving and moving on. Sadly, in both of these cases, I lost long-term friends and moved on in a different way. Some people just don’t have the balls to say “I’m Sorry.”

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